Today…oh man, today. Today has been rough. I won’t say specifics, but it’s been really emotionally hard for me. So many things have been brought back up in my mind – things from the past that I would prefer to stay in the past, where they belong. I hate seeing the people I love hurting, whether or not they inflicted the pain on themselves.
Someone on Instagram asked me to do a post about my testimony, my life, my past. Ironically enough, she asked right before things started up today, and I jokingly though to myself, “Maybe this is God’s way of saying, hey, do that post about your testimony. Just for some inspiration, here, I’m going to give you this, this, and this, to make you remember everything.” And all things considered, I guess remembering isn’t that bad. It makes me realized how blessed I am now. I don’t have a bad life, I don’t think I ever had. It’s been hard at times, but I’m thankful for those hard times because they make the good times so much sweeter, and they make me closer to the Lord. But still, they’re hard.
My brother, the oldest one, went to court today. He’s in jail. I’ve never been shy about sharing my family’s struggles with addiction, and I won’t start now. I’m a firm believer in the whole “God gives you your story for a reason.” and I think that at this point in my life, it’s not necessarily something that I should keep hidden from the world like it’s some kind of dark secret. I’ve had a few people come to me asking me if Christian’s have to have had a perfect life to really be a Christian, if they have to be these good people with a nice social circle and etc, if they have to be born in the perfect Christian family to be saved. And I’m living proof that you don’t have to have perfect DNA or family or whatever to be a Christian. Anyways, he went to court. And no matter how much I may try to hide it, it’s really difficult for me to know that he’s in jail. He hurt me so badly the last time he was out, and I swore that I would never even talk to him again, but I know that when he gets out this next time, I’m going to cry. I’m going to hug him. I’m going to welcome him back in my life and I’m going to pray so. hard. that this is it. This is when he gets sober for good. But I’m not going to be hopeful, I never can be. I tried that once and it crushed me when he went down again. We found out that he could be in there for a lot longer, and that was kind of Moment of Sadness #1.
Then, moment of sadness #2, which I won’t talk about, but it really hurt me nonetheless. I’ll be short and sweet and say this – I love my siblings. My siblings are my world. They all hold a special place in my heart, all for different reasons. There’s my oldest brother, we’ll call him C, he always makes us laugh. He’s hilarious, he’s a clown, he’s brilliant, and when he’s sober…I can always count on him to make me happy, even for a split second, no matter what I’m going through. He brought me ginger root when I was sick and jokingly took a few and almost gagged on the disgusting taste, just to make me laugh. There’s my sister, M, who I know is always there for me. She’s one of the most wonderful mom’s I know, and she’s constantly helping me become a better Christian. There’s my brother, S, who played such a huge part of my younger life, who took care of me when mom had to work, who played with me all the time, who comforted me when I got hurt, who coached me in every sport I tried, and always treated me like a mature person. There’s 4 other siblings of course, not blood-related but I love them the same, but this situation revolved around us “original 4.” And all I want is for us all to get along and love each other, and we do, but hey. It’s hard not to have rough times.
And then…I get a call on the home phone tonight, just a little while ago. I answered it, thinking it was my neighbors, and a slightly familiar, rough sounding voice talked. I asked them who it was, and it was my birth-father. I haven’t talked to him in months..I think the last time I even texted him was Christmas. He sounded rough, hardened from years of drug use and who knows what. I lied about the phone breaking up to give me a few minutes to decide what to do – hang up, or talk? I shouldn’t have lied, I know. 😉 I talked to him for about 1 minute before he made an excuse to hang up, and so he did. And I put the phone down. The first time he’s talked to his daughter, his baby, his “princess” in months. He doesn’t ask how I’ve been. He doesn’t ask what I’ve been up to. He doesn’t ask about me, period. He just hangs up.
He said “I love you, baby Kay.” before hanging up. And I told him I loved him, because I do. Part of me wants him to just say he’s sorry. It wouldn’t make it any better, but I could tell him that I forgive him. It’s not okay, what he did, but I’m fine.
My testimony: My life hasn’t been perfect. I’ve seen drug addictions firsthand, but seeing those things are what guided me to becoming in love with Jesus Christ and to be more eager to witness and spread His love around to people to need it most. I’ve been bought by the precious blood of Jesus, I dedicated myself to Him when I was younger, and each day, I strive to be more of a Godly person. And my main goal is to be the person that my mother is, because she was brave enough to teach her children the truth of the gospel without fear of stepping on our toes, and because she was brave enough to give her children every chance in the world to become good people. Because she taught us right from wrong, and still is. My testimony is similar to every Christian’s – I am a sinner saved by grace.